Walhalla 2, Seneca 2

Reunited, and it Feels so Good

Last night at 7:00 at "The Beach" in Walhalla, we played a game of soccer with the Seneca High School Bobcats. That may seem a trivial opening statement, but this game was much more than the tune-up for the upcoming season for both of these teams; it represented a step toward repairing the damaged relationship that ocurred between two perennial powerhouses so many years ago when one (seneca) said to the other (walhalla), "I've had enough of being treated as your doormat; I will not be walked on anymore! You can't just have everything your way and expect me to keep coming back! You can't keep inviting me out on a date and then making me look like a fool in front of your friends! You'll not prance around like the peacock you are anymore, parading your fine purple outfits while I have to dress like a pauper and languish in anonymity. I won't stand for it anymore! We're officially through!" And just like that, like so many before them had done, including: the harmonious duo of Simon and Garfunkel, Spinal Tap, that band amongst bands, Brittey and K-Fed, Sonny and Cher, Prince Charles and Dianna, Kobe and Shaq, The Soviet Union and the original super-continent of Pangea, just to name a few, everything fell apart. The great schism ocurred and the effects of the rift have been felt throughout greater Oconee county for far too long.

But last night, if just for one moment in time, we got a taste of the old glory and saw what it actually tasted like. "But what changed?" you might ask. "How, after such a messy divorce, did they put down their differences and agree to come together again?" Our trusty reportor, and winner of 7 golden globe awards for creativity, style, and candor in journalism, Ron Burgandy, sat down together with both the head coach of your Walhalla Razorbacks, Mike "Estocrates" Estes and head coach of the Seneca Bobcats, Glenn English for an exclusive, one-of-a-kind interview with the fiery rivals before last night's match:

RB: Coach English, I saw the trident you snuck in here. Be honest with me you two - right now you guys are ready to take the gloves off and rumble each other with an assortment of deadly weapons. Would that be an accurate assessment of the hidden anymosity you have for each other?

GE: Whooaaa! Wait a minute Ron! What in the world are you gettin' at here! We're playin' a friendly tonight. It's all in good fun. I don't even know what a trident is.

ME: Actually, that would be a good description of the anymosity I have towards you Ron! I don't know what compells me to do these interviews.

RB: The game tonight appears to the average Joe Shmo out there, who believes everything he hears coming out of media talking heads, to be an actual reconciliation between the two schools. Schools that have an intense, deep-seated hatred of each other. A hatred really, that has gone back to the dawning of time when Leviathan and man coexisted peacefully and fire was still a thing of the future. Coach English, isn't it true that even the ancient Indian word "Seneca" means "murderous devil?"

GE: No Ron, I'm pretty sure it means "Mountain or Stone Snakes." Yep, that's what it means.

RB: Agree to disagree? But either way, it was a snake that decieved Mother Eve in the garden. Will you and your boys use the black arts of deception to cause the hogs to believe they are an inferior opponent?

GE: Whatever. I don't even know how to answer such a nonsensical question. Anyway, I want to make it clear that we do not hate Walhalla and coach Estes and I think that this friendly rivalry is too important to neglect any longer. We should have never stopped playing each other.

RB: Coach English, I want you to be honest here. Why really, do you want to play this game tonight? Isn't it true that your not really a "soccer" coach? Isn't it true that you've got secret underground connections to a mercenary group that recruits the nation's top athletes and turns them into cold-blooded killers whom it then "rents" out to the highest bidder, and that you've had Hiraldo "Napoleonito" Vivaldo on your radar for some time now? That brainwashing him and teaching him your insidious techniques could procure for yourself and your handlers a weapon that if unleashed on an unsuspecting world could change the entire course of human events? You don't even like soccer, do you?

ME: Alright Burgandy, now you've gone too far. Last week you insult my heritage and make fun of me for things I have no control of and this week you badger my good friend with questions that sound like they were hatched at a crack house in downtown Seneca. Are you on LSD right now, or are you just so stupid that people think your eccentric or something?

RB: When in Rome.

GE: That made no sense dude.

RB: There's a lot of passion in this room right now. Two great coaches. Two great legacies. Two great ambassadors for the game known around the universe as... "The Antedote." Come and get your fair dose when these two heavyweights come together to, in essence, renew their wedding vows and then commence to abuse each other physically and emotionally as true married people do. Signing off till next time this is Ron Burgandy?

When the match actually started last night, Coach Estes was still visibly shaken from the interview with Mr. Burgandy, but he was able to compose himself, as all the great ones do, and lead his magnificent hogs out onto the field of play where they would then dazzle the 1000's in attendance for 55 minutes. Yes, at the end of 55 minutes your beloved purple pigs had the game in hand with a 2 - 0 lead on two beautiful goals by Backy Mestizo and newcomer Chris Tuezo who incidentally had to have a large chunk of bratwurst dislodged from his throat just minutes before the game. Apparently, living in Germany for the past few years, he's developed an addiction to the Octoberfest treat that he is now seeking help for at our local chapter of BWA (Bratwurstaholics Anonymous), which was set up to help Walhallanites deal with the vacuum left in our town when the carnies pack up their funnel cakes and brats, kegs of Bud and inflatable slides and go to greener pastures.

But I digress. As I was saying, the game was at hand until we gave the Bobcats some life by allowing a cheeky goal in about the 60th minute which led to them feeling like they could pull an upset, which then led to them tying the game in about the 71st minute of play. When all was said and done, Walhalla had allowed Seneca a tie in a game where they thoroughly dominated the possession of the ball and where they had 161 shots on goal compared to Seneca's 2. Needless to say, the mood was somber after the game. However, Coach Estes was optomistic saying that, "already, this team is in mid-season form compared to last years hogs. If we simply finish around the net and put the game away when we have the chance, then the sky is the limit for these guys. Our fitness looks great, and our concept of the way we want to play is leaps and bounds beyond where it was last year at mid-season."

Defender and Senior Jesse Cortez was a stand-out for the hogs, completely demoralizing the Bobcats best offensive player and basically rendering him a non-factor, while Alex Flores put together a great game as he dominated the middle of the field and acted as the catalyst for what is becoming a balanced and explosive Walhalla attack which will be a force to be reckoned with this year in the state of South Carolina. Walhalla's next game is sometime next week, though I'm not sure when, against somebody I'm not aware of at this time. I'll let you know. And if it's at home, make sure you're there so can break the record for attendance we set last night.



J

2009 Season kick-off Interview with coach Mike Estes

Another season has begun for the Walhalla Razorback men's soccer team. Pre-season work-outs have been tough as is evidenced by Jose Herrera and Solomon Garcia's ever-shrinking waste-lines, along with the virtual disappearance of Jorge into his teeny, tiny uniform. Coach Estes has put the players on a strict diet of raw eggs and meat shakes which has turned our boys into blood-thirsty maniacs in search of the ultimate prey: the illusive Palmetto state title, the creme de la creme of all sports trophies. After a week in arctic Siberia, where the enigmatic coach put the players through the most brutal of work-outs including: running through waste deep snow for miles holding big logs on their shoulders, chopping cord after cord of wood for Vladamir Putin's grandmother, bench pressing wagons full of said wood, and doing sit-ups off the side of a hay loft while he karate chopped their abs into submission, the hogs seem to be ready to take on the world in not only soccer, but any sport. Estes is so confident that he has challenged the Clemson Tigers football team to an all or nothing football game to decide who is the best sports team in South Carolina. He also challenged Russia's Hockey team to a game of hockey but they declined when they heard that we ate raw meat for every meal. And on a bit of a side note he entered Bachi Mestizo in the next American Idol. That's how confident this man is.

Tonight, at 7:00 P.M. the Hogs will travel to Pickens to test the merits of Coach Estes' off-season program. Ron Burgandy of channel 51 news was able to sit down with the general of the purple pigs for an exclusive interview yesterday to talk about the season and whatever else he could think to ask him. The following is exactly how it transpired.

RB: So Coach Estes, is Estes your real name or did you change it when you became coach so as to endear yourself to the Latin players on your team? Because I must admit, you don't look at all Spanish. Is that possibly your wife's maiden name and you took her name because of customs in Spain? What's the scoop?

Coach: Um, excuse me? What in the world are you talking about? Yes, Estes is my name. What are we talking about here?

RB: O.k. Now that we've got that cleared up, I've always wanted to ask you -- you are an extremely large human -- were you that big in utero? And if so, did your mother live through labor? Just a question.

Coach: Um, do you smoke copious amounts of crack cocaine, or did your mother when you were in utero? Because you're acting an awful lot like a crack head. You understand what I'm sayin'? Geesh.

RB: I see. Now I spoke with your wife several weeks ago and she said that she has a really hard time finding shirts that have sleeves long enough to cover the entire length of your arms. I don't see that as a problem. I see it as a beautiful metaphor. A wonderfully rich symbol of a mother hen that gathers her chicks beneath her wings. A symbol of how much love you are able to give to your players. Are you following me on that vibe?

Coach: Actually, the only symbol I see is that pink leotard and half shirt you're wearing. You care to interpret that for me Dr. Freud.

RB: That's a lot of love coach. Now, give me a prediction on tonight's game.

Coach: (after long thoughtful pause he looks square into the camera and licks his lips) Pain.

RB: There you have it folks: terse words, from an insanely competitive soccer fanatic, bent on shaping the soccer landscape in his own image with his enormous arms and supple soccer mind. Thanks for your time coach. And good luck this season.

Coach: Thanks you idiot.

RB: What a philosopher. I hope that you can now more appreciate the genius of the man known throughout the upstate simply as "Estocrates." In the coming days and weeks I will bring you more interviews from the members of your beloved purple pig squad in hopes that you will be able to get inside their heads to be able to more truly appreciate their contributions not only to science but to the great sport of soccer as well. Till next time.

And there you have it. Good luck tonight hogs.

JDS