2009 Season kick-off Interview with coach Mike Estes

Another season has begun for the Walhalla Razorback men's soccer team. Pre-season work-outs have been tough as is evidenced by Jose Herrera and Solomon Garcia's ever-shrinking waste-lines, along with the virtual disappearance of Jorge into his teeny, tiny uniform. Coach Estes has put the players on a strict diet of raw eggs and meat shakes which has turned our boys into blood-thirsty maniacs in search of the ultimate prey: the illusive Palmetto state title, the creme de la creme of all sports trophies. After a week in arctic Siberia, where the enigmatic coach put the players through the most brutal of work-outs including: running through waste deep snow for miles holding big logs on their shoulders, chopping cord after cord of wood for Vladamir Putin's grandmother, bench pressing wagons full of said wood, and doing sit-ups off the side of a hay loft while he karate chopped their abs into submission, the hogs seem to be ready to take on the world in not only soccer, but any sport. Estes is so confident that he has challenged the Clemson Tigers football team to an all or nothing football game to decide who is the best sports team in South Carolina. He also challenged Russia's Hockey team to a game of hockey but they declined when they heard that we ate raw meat for every meal. And on a bit of a side note he entered Bachi Mestizo in the next American Idol. That's how confident this man is.

Tonight, at 7:00 P.M. the Hogs will travel to Pickens to test the merits of Coach Estes' off-season program. Ron Burgandy of channel 51 news was able to sit down with the general of the purple pigs for an exclusive interview yesterday to talk about the season and whatever else he could think to ask him. The following is exactly how it transpired.

RB: So Coach Estes, is Estes your real name or did you change it when you became coach so as to endear yourself to the Latin players on your team? Because I must admit, you don't look at all Spanish. Is that possibly your wife's maiden name and you took her name because of customs in Spain? What's the scoop?

Coach: Um, excuse me? What in the world are you talking about? Yes, Estes is my name. What are we talking about here?

RB: O.k. Now that we've got that cleared up, I've always wanted to ask you -- you are an extremely large human -- were you that big in utero? And if so, did your mother live through labor? Just a question.

Coach: Um, do you smoke copious amounts of crack cocaine, or did your mother when you were in utero? Because you're acting an awful lot like a crack head. You understand what I'm sayin'? Geesh.

RB: I see. Now I spoke with your wife several weeks ago and she said that she has a really hard time finding shirts that have sleeves long enough to cover the entire length of your arms. I don't see that as a problem. I see it as a beautiful metaphor. A wonderfully rich symbol of a mother hen that gathers her chicks beneath her wings. A symbol of how much love you are able to give to your players. Are you following me on that vibe?

Coach: Actually, the only symbol I see is that pink leotard and half shirt you're wearing. You care to interpret that for me Dr. Freud.

RB: That's a lot of love coach. Now, give me a prediction on tonight's game.

Coach: (after long thoughtful pause he looks square into the camera and licks his lips) Pain.

RB: There you have it folks: terse words, from an insanely competitive soccer fanatic, bent on shaping the soccer landscape in his own image with his enormous arms and supple soccer mind. Thanks for your time coach. And good luck this season.

Coach: Thanks you idiot.

RB: What a philosopher. I hope that you can now more appreciate the genius of the man known throughout the upstate simply as "Estocrates." In the coming days and weeks I will bring you more interviews from the members of your beloved purple pig squad in hopes that you will be able to get inside their heads to be able to more truly appreciate their contributions not only to science but to the great sport of soccer as well. Till next time.

And there you have it. Good luck tonight hogs.

JDS