Walhalla 5, West Oak 0

Purple Gold: A Leprechauns Dream

They came from the south, their war paint bright. I could have sworn that I smelled animal blood as they walked in front of our bench. I also caught a glimpse of a cleverly concealed tommyhawk peeking ever so slightly from the up-pulled sock of one of the West Oak Warrior players as he was doing his war dance before the match. He quickly tried to conceal the weapon but we locked eyes and he seemed to say with his deadly gaze, "You will not leave this stadium alive oh bearded leprechaun man. No one crosses eyes with me and lives. Your pot of gold will be mine."
I quickly replied with my eyes, "You and your unholy tribe has sought to swipe my gold for decades now with no avail. What makes you think you can succeed?"
He just looked down at his shiny tommyhawk and then back up to me with a sick sort of crazed glee. And then with a face like Jack Black when he demonstrates to the young guitar virtuoso in "School of Rock" how to hold his goblet of rock and melt off the faces of his enthralled listeners, he slowly, and yes, very meticulously, dragged what looked to be a blood-stained thumb across his Ichabod Crainish Adams apple. I ran away to the locker room faster than Shaggy and Scooby being chased by a scary old sea captain ghost trying to spook people away from his loot. The expression on his face was bone chilling. I'm actually seeing a therapist today.
When I was finally able to loosen my death grip on the toilet tank and climb down from the seat, the game had already started. What jolted me back to reality and made me realize I was sucking my thumb was the golden voice of purple pig soccer, Charles Fowler, announcing the arrival of some hot pizza. I emerged from that fowl prison of fear and emotion into the Walhalla dusk faintly tinged with a purple hue and smelling a lot like pepperoni, rejuvenated and empty of the fear I had been so paralyzed with just minutes before. I realized later that the purple hue, the culprit in my euphoria, was caused by the dizzyingly mind-blowing matriculation of the ball around the surface of the beach by our Razorback players who had come out spitting nails and shooting fire from their nostrils. We hit the field last night as giddy as teen aged school girls getting dressed for prom. I heard in distant conversations by amazed fans and by the West Oak team themselves that you could almost hear the ball hum.
And hum it did. Into every nook and cranny of the beach it hummed. Onto every surface of every one of our players (except Cody Dunton) it hummed. Into the, hmm-mm, Warriors goal it hummed, five times as the purple pigs of Walhalla put a screeching halt to the war-cry of those marauders from the south and sent them packing up their little tommyhawks and spears (which I found out later were only props - but scary nonetheless) and running for the bus just to get away from the hum created by the unselfish team play of the Walhalla Razorbacks.
It's hard to say who had the best game on this night. It was the epitome of a team effort. Alex Cruz, who added to his total when he scored on a brilliantly played diagonal long ball over the defense by Hiraldo Vivaldo, and Cory Champion, burned a trench up and down the flanks and both served the equivalent of fillet Mignon on a silver platter from the corners to our oncoming forwards in all areas of the box. If we would have finished half of those chances they would have had to call the game early due to the net falling off the frame. We also got great service on the left side from Andrew Broome who - excuse the pun - came out of the closet and revealed that he is a SWM who loves not only turning on the jets as frequently as possible but who is also a southpaw who loves to play wickedly driven balls into dangerous scoring areas of the beach from the left side. Thanks for that bit of information Andrew. We can now hook you up with the appropriate position on the field.
The "Bermuda Triangle" of Eric Moxley, who plays his new position with extra moxie, Daniel Van der Ginn, our delectably smooth foreign exchange student from Holland, and Jose Arquiza, the silent assassin, who scored a truly Beckhamesque goal on a direct free kick about 22 yards from goal by bending it silly into the right, upper 90, put on a display of midfield efficiency not seen this year until tonight, as they helped the hogs dominate the possession of the ball by a count of exactly 98.23% to 1.77%.
Up front, Michael Caldera was rewarded for his stellar performance last week by being put in the starting line-up and providing his, what is now becoming signature, support of the ball which creates vast amounts of space for the Mexican Comet, Solomon Garcia to work his magic, which he did twice as he knifed nimbly through the once impenetrable defense of the Warriors to notch two more goals.
In the back, young Eli Cothran continued to eat the future children of whomever he marks up, but more notably showed a much more deft touch on the ball and played to the feet of his middies and forwards much more accurately. Hiraldo Vivaldo is an impenetrable storm who routinely surprises much larger forwards as he continually out-positions and then out muscles and out jumps them to win every head ball that comes into his vicinity. The unquestioned leader of the razorbacks, along with Jonathon Martinez, also provided spectacular service into the corners and across the field all night long. Jonathon Martinez is a man to be trusted in the back as he led his defense in allowing only two shots on frame all night. Cody "Dunn" Dunton owes him a hamburger and a coke for allowing him to take a 40 minute nap during the first half. He is being contacted by the Guinness Book of World Records for an interview.
In a side note, Ivan suffered a bruised tailbone due to some unfortunate miscommunication with Coach Estes who thought he said, "their in my stomach." The Roadrunner will be back tomorrow though, and ready to roll along with the rest of the Razorbacks who take on Pickens High School at 7:00 at Pickens High School Football Stadium. Take the drive into the abyss and come support your Walhalla Purple Pigs as they take their next step in the quest for the allusive state title.