Walhalla v. Christ Church Scrimmage 3-3

Proverbial Monkey Evolution

The common monkey found in the woods of the Blue Ridge, known in scientific circles as monkus appalachia, is a pesky little fella with a real penchant for mischief. Mischief not necessarily of the Curious George variety. When he finds a good perch he tends to do anything in his power to keep that spot for himself and for his future generations of monkeys. Unfortunately the perch they often choose is the back of an animal passing beneath a tree onto which they will jump and begin a parasitic relationship that almost always ends in the death of their host. Beastly little things really!

As a young girl, my beautiful wife, Lindsay, used to hike these woods with her family. She was taken in by the variety of nature all around her and was careful to pay attention to whatever gift the forest might offer up for her senses at any given time. One thing that she wished she never saw though, and which has haunted her dreams like a hockey-masked ax-murderer to this very day, is the sight of a huge, wild black boar-hog staggering like a drunk man through the trees with what appeared to be a small monkey straddling his powerful neck, and speaking into his ear. The monkey's expression has been forever etched onto the canvas of her mind. She almost never sees it without the banjo duel in "Deliverance" playing sweetly in the background. As much as the monkey's relationship to the wild boar was parasitic, the song and the monkey's half-wit, inbred expression, are hauntingly symbiotic, mutually benefiting each other like the oxpecker (a bird) and the zebra for the permanent habitation of a small cavern in Lindsay's mind.

We all know now that it is a "fact" that animals have evolved a common tongue in which they can speak to each other, and that they have begun to build a tower that Darwinists commonly refer to as the "tower of anibabel" located in a little known region in the mountains of Ecuador. We also know, because of extensive "research" done over many years that it is an unimpeachable "fact" that Monkus Appalachia attaches itself to a wild boar for the simple reason that it wants a joy-ride through the woods. The real kicker though, is that it is also a "scientific fact" that at the end of the joy-ride 92% of pigs die from "lack of self-esteem syndrome (LESIS)." This can be treated with a plethora of new and amazing drugs being developed and advertised ad nauseum between each segment of the nightly news with Brian Williams, if the pig is treated within a mere hour after he lies down to wait for the great buzzard (the animal version of the grim reaper) in the sky to take him away. Using a new technique for decoding the final thought that an animal is thinking before it dies, it has been "confirmed" that in 92 of the 100 cases of "pig-death-by-monkey" studied, the last thought that crossed the pigs complex brain is, "I'll never be a wild animal." So Lindsay, now that we know what that monkey was whispering, maybe we can get you some help.

For the last 8 months your beloved, wild razorbacks have been staggering through the proverbial woods with several proverbial monkeys attached squarely to their collective proverbial shoulders. I wonder if I should call Guinness and tell them I've used "proverbial" in a sentence more times than any other human in history? Maybe later. We're talking monkeys now. Darwin said, "it takes time for evolution to work its magic." In the case of most of evolution, like the small pig-like animal that evolved into the modern elephant, about 400 billion years - give or take a few hundred years here or there. But Darwin didn't think about "proverbial evolution" because Freud wasn't around yet to let him know anything about psychoanalysis or any of that stuff. Recent studies though, show that the "proverbial evolution," specifically, the change in species from monkey to gorilla, only takes at the most, 3.5 years. So now we get some clue as to why Pickens High School and the Alumni (hired assassins) were merely monkeys on our necks going for a little joy-ride while Christ Church had become a gorilla doing Chinese water torture on us while sitting atop our finely chiseled bellies. Do the math. It's been less than 3.5 years since our last victory over the first two teams, while at the same time going over 3.5 years since last beating Christ Church.

So, while getting the proverbial monkeys and the huge gorilla off of our backs and bellies in beating Pickens, mentally destroying the Alumni, and not losing to Christ Church, we also inadvertently proved the great Howard Cosell's revolutionary theory of "proverbial evolution," which is in my humble, uneducated opinion, much more probable than actual "Darwinian evolution." Because we have the facts to prove it... Right?!

The only draw back of getting a thousand pound Gorilla off of our bellies onto our own turf the other night is that... what are you going to do with a huge gorilla in Walhalla? We only get carnies in here once a year. We'd have to feed him and keep him housed. Christ Church couldn't fit him onto either of the special "short buses" they commandeered from one of the "special" programs at the private school in order to get him back to the zoo they stole him from. So I guess we could use him as our mascot and dress him up like a pig. I don't think we play against any Gorilla-pigs. No I actually don't think anyone has chosen that mascot for their school yet. The Walhalla Gorrilla-Pigs. Whadaya think?

Tonight your Walhalla Hogs, along with our little brothers, the mini-pigs, are in action. JV at 5:30, and then at 7:00, the main event versus the Bobcats at their place down in Seneca. Paint yourself an obnoxious shade of deep purple and come over to the big city and wreak some havoc.

j