Walhalla Varsity 3, West Oak 0; Walhalla Mini-me's 4, West Oak 2

All's fair in love and war....

Apparently, the West Oak Warriors have been learning the art of war from the KGB or the Gustapo. Or maybe by allowing Heckle and Jeckle, Wiley Coyote and Tom and Jerry to comprise the bulk of "edumacational" content that has been used in their schools for the last 30 years, they've put some less than sportsmanlike ideas and notions in their citizens' heads. Either that, or modern sports science hasn't yet made its way out thar to the town known by many in the Golden Corner as Worstminster, proud home of the Beef and Rib and an Ingles which never has more than one cash register open at one time...ever. Surely its the former rather than the latter even though I still think the latter is entirely feasible as was demonstrated by their trainer, Cartee Cobb, who wore no shoes and a tattered Gamecocks cap with a fishing hook proudly displayed on the brim, when he liberally applied bacon grease to everything from bloody strawberries to sprained ankles to blowouts on the toes of soccer cleats. So maybe it was nothing more than sheer ignorance, but when I saw the shriveled and gaunt Solimon (pronounced a lot like Saruman, the evil wizard in The Lord of the Rings) "the flying tostada" Garcia come to the side line at half time looking much like Christian Bale in "The Machinist" or Winston Smith, played by John Hurt at the end of George Orwell's dystopian novel made film, "1984," the conspiracy theory that West Oak uses dehydration techniques to weaken their opponents into submission began to become a reality. Yes readers, the unthinkable had happened. They had not supplied us with one drop of water. The scene from "Airplane" when the stewardess informs the people on the flight that there is no more coffee comes to mind when trying to describe what happened when I told them there would be no water and they would just have to gut it out. I thought they were going to attack me. Then in stepped the always calm and serene Mike Estes. With one quick, stinging slap across Eli "Skyywalker" Cothran's emaciated cheek he had the team's undivided attention. And then a huge bottle of Gatorade just appeared from nowhere like manna from the sky. Little did the Warriors know, they had created a monster, because everyone knows that when your whole team drinks out of the same bottle you become one giant mega team, spitting the same spit...bleeding the same blood.

O.k., I admit I got a little carried away there -- about the "bleeding the same blood" stuff. But the mega team stuff is right on the money (reminds me of the old cartoon "Voltron" where the 5 robots combine into one mega-robot -- sweet show). And we were sure thirsty. But after the miracle Gatorade satiated our palates and restored spittle to our cottony mouths we were good to go out and resume our resurfacing brilliance. Mike "The Architect" Estes had tweeked his blue-print because of a revelation he had biting into his second McDonald's cherry pie (ignore that part Laura) while plowing down highway 28 in his diesel guzzling money pit. In his brain he saw clearly the vision of Hiraldo "Napoleon" Vivaldo at the back of his vaunted defense and Jonathon "the rock" Martinez stepping up into the stopper position. Both took to their new positions like a South Carolina Gamecock athlete does to hand cuffs. Little Napoleon was in complete charge from his new vantage point and "the rock"played like he had just gotten out of school for the summer. The ball was humming again.

Alex "Hong Kong Phooey" Flores got his first goal, the team's third goal of the night, for the razorbacks when he got air born and side volleyed a ball with his left foot into the upper ninety, put across by Ishmael "FrenchMex" Martinez. Congratulations to him on a beautiful goal. Alex Cruise did anything but cruise as he turned on the after burners and drove past a defender, putting the ball through from an impossible angle on the left side with the defender draped all over him for the teams second goal. And Jonathon Martinez got the Razorbacks on the scoreboard with a well placed right footed shot right into the side netting, on the right side of the goal, from a ball that was bouncing around in the 18 yard box. The Hogs had countless shots on goal and rattled the frame at least 5 times in a game they dominated due the great play of our middies, Martinez, Van der Ginn and the human grenade launcher, Jose Arquiza.

The night was made complete when Coach Estes got "the side-line crew," including Nick Tubbs, better known as "the Albinican" (the first "i" is a long "i") because of his baby white skin and unyielding desire and childhood dream to own and operate his own low-rider, into the match. In an interview with what we assumed was ESPN the Magazine, Coach Estes had a hard time keeping a straight face as a strange little pot-bellied man with his drawers pulled up to his boobs and snacking on morsels he plucked from his overgrown beard kept prancing around behind the interview trying to break his concentration. If anyone has sighted this little gnomish freak, please call ESPN at 888.7044 and report his whereabouts. Apparently they like his style and want to do an extended photo shoot with him and Christiano Ronoldo.

Come out to the game tonight, if it is not rained out, between your beloved Purple Pigs and the Pendleton Something-or-others. The JV game is at 5:30, after which the varsity will play at around 7:00. Should be quite a show.