Varsity Final Roster

The English-Scott Affair

For all those who doubted the more dubious implications that the Patriot Act would have on their privacy, recent happenings in Greater Oconee County have proven that the miracle of instantly accessible information comes with a sword that is to be sure, double-edged. There are also some very dark technologies being developed by the military, stuff that not even the most cutting edge conspiracy theorists including Noam Chomsky, Alex Jones, or even the great Webster Tarpley have the stones to mention aloud in public. Most of you have heard of MK Ultra, but who of you has ever heard of, or would give a second thought to the fact that the most powerful militaries in the world have learned how to harness the weather in an attempt to control the conditions of the battle field and even to create natural disasters. WAT (Weather Altering Technologies) have changed the ways the superpowers wage war. And for a few soccer coaches in the upstate of South Carolina, it has changed the way in which they go about trying to beat the state's greatest soccer power. The cold war between three of the states great teams is still being waged behind a curtain of smiles and handshakes. In the last week-and-a-half both of these aforementioned factors have been used by unsavory blackguards in an attempt to divide and conquer your beloved Razorbacks for the purpose of thwarting Estocrates' ingenious pre-season training regimen, which as you know, last year included a trip to Siberia for a Rocky IV-style workout complete with icy haylofts, huge logs, waist-deep snow and Vladamir Putin's Grandmother. What better way to make impotent your worst enemy than to create a situation where they can't even take the pitch to hold try-outs and decide who this years team will even be. And if that wasn't diabolical enough, to create an evil alliance with a coach from another class, (ahem, Brook Scott of Emerald) but still a natural rival with your vaunted enemy, knowing that Scott wants to keep the Razorbacks, the only team capable of beating Emerald, from standing in the way of winning the 2A state title, is simply nefarious.

So the plan, as we have come to find out was to - just as the CIA and MI6 do in Afghanistan and every other country they've gone into - use the age old Machiavellian ploy of "divide and conquer": first, using WAT to create conditions on Walhalla's soccer fields untenable even for Esto, the most hard-core coach that ever lived this side of the Chatooga river. Bear Bryant once said of him, "He eats lightning, and craps thunder." Or was that Mickey when describing Clubber Lang to a washed-up and complacent Rocky Balboa before their first fight? Either way, it's a good description so we'll keep it. The strange thing is, that in Seneca, just 10 miles away, the weather was balmy and dry, while here in the Garden of the Gods we experienced earthquakes, torrential rain, and, as reported by Jorge Gomez, a small tornado that almost ripped his tiny body from the arms of his terrified mother. The second, was to use wire-tapping technology, introduced after 9/11 by George Bush's patriot act, to scramble text messages sent to Razorback players telling them when and where practices were to be held. One message received by 4 of our most promising prospects told them that practice was to be held at midnight on the Oconee air strip. You should have seen their faces when we bailed them out of jail at 2:00 that morning. Needless to say, we could only get together at most four players at once at any given location for a whole week. Where English and Scott got access to these technologies one can only guess, but a picture has surfaced on the Internet showing them, quite a bit younger than they are now, standing next to a smiling Dick Cheney in full battle regalia with a vast poppy field in the background.

Most teams would have assumed the fetal position and posited their thumbs squarely into their mouths after receiving two such foul blows; but as you know, the mighty Razorbacks are not such a team. In order to get back on track and make up the training missed on account of the cowardly attacks, Estocrates had a temporary make-shift, green-certified geodesic dome constructed over the beach to combat the tempestuous weather. And to make sure each player was informed of practice times he employed a flock of messenger pigeons trained by the former champion of the world, Mike Tyson, who he became good friends with during the time he was his sparring partner for the infamous Evander Holyfield "ear-bight" fight. Iron Mike made a personal call to Esto praising him for his "impetuous style" and his "impregnable" defenses. He also offered his services in other ways telling coach, "everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth. They must be ludicruth to think they could mess with a friend of me, Iron Mike Tyson." Indeed they are Mike, but who knew the great Esto was so well connected.

So, after 5 straight days in which we practiced from morning till night, skipping school and stopping only to shave (in Estes' case) and to change beards (in my case), we finally arrived, after painstaking deliberation, at the roster for this year's Walhalla Razorback Men's soccer squad. Here is the list:

2010 Walhalla Men's Soccer Roster

Carlos Aguilar - Sophomore
Keegan Bodiford - Junior
Richard Cantero - Sophomore
Eli Cothran - Junior
Alejandro Cruz - Junior
Giovanni Cuevas - Junior
Ovi Espino - Junior
Jorge Gomez - Senior
Jose Herrera - Junior
Ovi Lopez - Senior
Aaron Lucas - Freshman
Backy Mestizo - Junior
Graham Metalik - Freshman
Christian Romero - Sophomore
Humberto Segura - Junior
Jesus Soto - Junior
Hayden Wilson - Sophomore

Mike "Estocrates" Estes - Head Coach and back-country trailfinder
Joshua "The Professor" Steele - Assistant Coach, team meteorologist, fashionista and head of anti-spy operations

This year's team is young, talented and well manicured and has two goals in mind: the coveted 2A state title, and as always, finding the key to all that exists along the way. Come out to our games and experience a state of nirvana with our mind-bending brand of soccer. In the words of the great Pedro: "We will fulfill all your wildest dreams."

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